Do you double and tripple check emails before sending or get stuck in detail writing a presentation, article, or post on LinkedIn? Worry you’ll make a mistake?
Or set incredibly difficult to reach high demands on yourself? Only to feel disappointed that you didn’t reach them.
As you probably guessed, all the above are signs that you might have a perfectionistic personality style.
As most things in life, a little bit of perfectionism can be helpful, making you goal oriented and conscientious. But if it’s excessive it might be holding you back in life.
In this article I’ll explain where the unhelpful perfectionism might be stemming from and how you can possibly get yourself unstuck moving towards your goals.
What is the root cause of unhelpful perfectionism?
It’s important to note that perfectionism isn’t a diagnosable illness. But it’s been linked to development and maintenance of OCD and other forms of mental illnesses.
This way of approaching life has often been formed in early childhood and its become your way of navigating life. It tends to be an internal pressure that we put on ourselves.
Perfectionism has often developed for us to get closer and receive approval from a caregiver. It can stem from overly critical or overprotective parents. Perhaps you were scared or hurt when younger? Being perfect was the only way to avoid more pain or disappointment.
Receiving praise and being rewarded might have cemented the beliefs that being hard on yourself pays off. These beliefs can then become the truths you live by and the lens you view your life through.
I believe in good enough parenting. I think it’s important to not assign too much blame on your caregiver. It’s not easy being a parent and most of us do what we think is best for our child considering the constraints we might be under.
Interestingly perfectionism can also develop later in life from environmental social and cultural pressures. Engaging in this type of behaviour and thinking often leads to high achievements in various areas. The actions are frequently rewarded and viewed in a positive light. Perfectionism is thereby maintained at work and by society in general.
Am I a perfectionist?
Unhealthy or so-called maladaptive perfectionism is often signified by certain characteristics.
Seeking constant validation
You might feel a strong need for seeking approval and being accepted by authority figures, such as parents or employers. Perhaps you are overly invested in high expectations from others. You never feel good enough and experience a powerful urge to prove your worth. This often leads to taking on extra projects or tasks beyond your normal scope of work.
This loosening of boundaries at work can lead to burnout, e.g. not allowing yourself breaks, holidays and sick days off, difficulties to switch off from work, insomnia and checking work emails after hours.
There is a possibility that perfectionism will contribute to anxiety, low mood, pressure in relationships and decreased quality and quantity of your work output, which ironically in turn make you feel more like a failure.
Fear of failure
You might experience worries about making a mistake or being preoccupied with past mistakes. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and judgment, so you avoid it at all costs. Often you hold yourself back from stepping out of your comfort zone. Unfortunately, this means you don’t allow yourself to grow and develop possibly causing you to stagnate. For example, you avoid applying for another job opportunity, develop new skills, or test your abilities.
Need for control
To avoid anxiety, you tend to do all you can to reduce uncertainty. Through excelling at work, you gain a sense of control. Unfortunately, trying to reach this high bar often comes at a cost such as, physical and mental exhaustion.
How to break the cycle of perfectionism
As a perfectionist you tend to set unreachable goals for yourself, then fail to reach these, as they were impossible to begin with. Failure is inevitable. The constant pressure to achieve perfection combined with consistent failure reduce your productivity and effectiveness. Making you feel stuck and powerless in moving forward.
You might find it helpful to explore changing perfectionism with a mental health professional. Below are some ways on breaking this cycle and inviting transformation to take place.
Set yourself more realistic targets (not an easy feat, but a goal to work towards)
Build up momentum through celebrating small wins valuing progress, instead of perfection
Note down thoughts and actions that keep your perfectionism going
Reframe your thought patterns through challenging them and replacing with more positive and realistic ways of thinking
Adopt a more compassionate and kinder internal voice. It might sound cheesy, but it allows you to be more accepting of self-defined shortcomings
Practice mindfulness in bite sized moments throughout the day, e.g. being completely present when walking, eating, drinking a cup of coffee, etc.
Firm up your work boundaries, through communicating and respecting your limits
Through identifying and being more aware of the thoughts and behaviour that keeps your perfectionistic tendencies going, you can start to make small changes and reap the benefits accordingly.
If you are looking for support on your journey towards your goal of being "good enough", please don’t hesitate to reach out.
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